Delusions of Grandeur
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Monseigneur.
Buenas tardes, amigos!
The taxes are here...
...Minister.
Excises, tithes, spice tax, how much is it...
...for this year?
200,000 ducats.
But last year it was a lot more! - But last year the harvest was better.
This year the harvest was not that good, so you have to pay double.
Taxes. They're all for the King!
Don Salluste, our people are very poor and...
That's normal.
The poor are poor and the rich are rich.
Come on, come on...
Hurry up!
I have 3 more villages left to visit.
Collect all that. Quickly.
Where's the cheering?
The enthusiasm?
Long live Don Salluste.
Long live our benefactor.
Long live our great friend. - Long live our great friend.
Ole. - Ole.
That wasn't very... Never mind, never mind.
You wouldn't think so, but that coach isn't very reliable.
What?
I'm saying that coach isn't very reliable.
It's a real sieve. He's going to lose a lot...
Blaze - Yes.
So, if I were you...
Go, go. Follow them. Follow the coach.
All that is for the King.
That's for me.
Hey, careful!
Hey. Whoa! Careful!
The spices. Who gets the spice tax?
Is it for Salluste? No! It's for the King! Yes! No!
Leave me in peace.
And the tithes? Who gets them? The King? No, it's for Salluste.
Thief! Not a thief!
It's for Salluste, there!
Look out!
Wait, Monseigneur.
I'll help you.
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! My ruff!
I'll help you, Monseigneur.
No!
That's my gold! And my gold is my money.
And I don't need you.
Are you sure?
What's happening?
The villagers, monseigneur! They're cheering you on.
Cheering me on?
Yes.
I should have taken three times more from them.
Ha!
- Kill him!
Blaze!
Help!
Aaahhh! Blaze!
Help.
Stop.
Stop now.
Wait for me. Help me.
Why did you get out?
My dear Blaze. Ah! Take this.
My hand. Help me, my dear Blaze.
Hold tight, my dear Blaze.
Don't let go. My dear Blaze. Blaze is such a good man.
Thank you, my dear Blaze.
They're not cheering me on. They're not cheering me on. They're not.
Here! And here!
And here!
They were not cheering. They were not cheering. Here!
The villains.
You saw them! They almost... - Yes.
That's what the masses are like.
No, not there!
Not there!
There!
There's not enough foam.
Not enough hair either.
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
Don't move.
Ouch!
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
There.
And now, Blaze...
...flatter me.
Monseigneur is the greatest of the Spanish Grandees.
That's not flattering, that's true. So?
Idiot.
What?
"Idiot" is what I said to the servant of the Duke of Albes. No! No, my master is not...
"... the result of a marriage between relatives. "
"Have another look at him", he said to me.
So I told him not to judge on appearances.
Just because his mother married the half-brother of his aunt...
...who was a first cousin of the sister of his father, who... who...
Are you sure that's flattery?
I was going to say something else, but I didn't dare.
Oh, come on, speak.
Yes!
Monseigneur is... beautiful.
Do you really mean that?
Well, I'm flattering.
Good night, your Majesty.
Was ist das?
The Queen.
Ach! Schön...
Vergissmeinnicht.
Forget-me-nots.
The Queen has an admirer.
But that's worth a lot of money.
But that's Blaze!
There's the old lady.
That's going to be interesting!
A Queen of Spain does not accept flowers from anybody.
Not even from the King!
Aahh! Now the big gallows-bird starts singing.
Hey, you up there! Blaze!
Blaze, shut up. You'll wake up the entire palace.
Niemals waren Liebeswörter an mein Ohr.
Warum?
It's the Queen. She's from Bavaria.
She's pretty but stupid.
My young German heart in exile shivers at this serenade...
Your Majesty.
A Queen of Spain does not listen to music...
...when the King is out hunting.
Who goes hunting loses his place.
Hey.
Because I love the Queen.
Me, a servant, I dare.
Now he's stamping around.
Hey, wait, you'll see.
Blaze, my servant, in love with the Queen.
He's crazy. He will be drawn and quartered.
You'll see.... Come here, you.
He's singing, he's dancing around.
He's stamping his feet. Hey!
That's enough... playing the gallant...
...at 2 in the morning?
Hey!
Ho!
Ah! Let go of that.
Let go.
It's gold.
Golden sunrays of dawn.
Wake up and smell the gold.
Monseigneur.
It's 8 o'clock.
Gouchi, gouchi, gouchi.
There's one missing.
Are you sure?
Very sure.
Well, I'll be...
Look under the bed.
There it is.
It's there.
Look! Come on, look!
What? - Look. You're too tall.
You're my servant. You're too tall. Come on.
This is what I want to see. This is what I want. This is good.
Give me my breadsticks.
Monseigneur seems to be in a good mood, this morning.
In a good mood? No, I'm not. And you know very well why not.
Why not?
Why!? Because yesterday, bom bom bom and tagada tagada!
Gling gling gling and tarata taratata!
Monseisei... Monseisei...
Monseigneur!
It's the... the...
The what?
The Queen!
The Queen here, at this hour?
Quick, my jerkin, my fleece, hurry.
Remove this.
Dress me. Dress me quickly.
Yes, that's it. That's it. The little Infante, I've got her.
I won't let her go.
I didn't know Monseigneur and the Infante...
The ruff.
The ruff? Here's the ruff. - Blaze, you don't know what the Queen's going to announce.
I will be the son-in-law of the King.
That's remarkable... ...since they don't have any children.
His niece, it's the same thing.
The King only needs to have a hunting accident.
Paf!
Big cousin Léopold: Paf! Paf!
The little Count of Anjou: Bang!
Everybody... Lots of hunting accidents. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
And then.... I... King. - And also, we'll be spared...
...the War of the Spanish Succession.
Her Majesty, the Queen. - Quick, tidy up.
Make way for the Queen.
Ruhe!
Ruhe, die Hunde! Ruhe!
Sie haben meine Ehrendame...
...entehrt.
I... uhm... what? Was?
Und die Unschuld eines jungen Deutschen...
...Mädchens missbraucht!
Ah! Danke schön!
The little Infante! Schön!
Ich bin happy meine tante...
Meine auntie! Ah!
Raus, die Zwerge!
Los, raus, schnell!
Raus... Schnell...
Such a pretty language.
Sie sind abgesetzt, verbannt und ausgewiesen.
Ihr Vermögen ist beschlagnahmt zu Gunsten der Krone.
What is she saying?
Don Salluste, you have been dismissed, disgraced...
...exiled.
You lose your title of Knight...
... of the Golden Fleece...
...and your functions as Minister of Police and of Finance.
And all your belongings will be confiscated and given to the crown.
But what did I do?
Ein Kind, Don Salluste! A child.
Your Majesty.
What's that? Who's that?
You refuse to recognise...
...this child of my maid of honour?
I can't recognise it. I don't know it.
Ja! Ja! Ja!
What ja ja ja? Nein!
Zeduzed and abandoned... is what he did. Verfürt und verlassen.
Liar!
She's a liar. She's lying in German.
This child is a false witness. Warum nicht! Ich habe nicht!
She and I, nada! Nada! Never! Nothing!
Your Majesty, das ist eine collossal konspirazion!
Don Salluste, you will leave Madrid tomorrow.
After having returned your Golden Fleece to the King.
Madame! Madame!
Your Majesty, are you going to base your opinion on a new-born?
Ok then, I agree, I recognise this child. I recognise my mistakes...
...my children, other people's children.
Your children, if you like.
Old villain! Miscreant!
Look at him. He's as green as his gloves.
His disgrace is good for us.
Tomorrow, he'll return his Golden Fleece to the King.
That's an unexpected slice of fortune.
We have to act quickly.
Oh, amigos!
Amigos!
Hey!
Not that. That's mine. That's mine.
No! That's mine too.
No, you can't have my table.
Hey you!
Give us a hand. - Sure.
There we go.
My cutlery.
The Queen said to take everything.
Everything!
But I didn't take anything.
Yes, you did.
Who put that in my pants?
What will become of me? I'm a minister. I can't do anything.
We just have to find a place for the two of us, Monseigneur.
Oh you, get lost!
Disappear! I never want to see you again.
And my wages? Who'll pay my wages? - Your wages? Here, take this.
I dispel you.
You don't exist anymore to me.
Excuse me...
Excuse me!
That's my broom. - Bandit! Thief! Scoundrel!
And you, little Queen.
Bitch!
I'll get my revenge. Here.
One-eyed man!
Monseigneur?
Do you know César? - The bandit?
César the bandit. - Yes. - You must find him.
Nobody has seen him for 10 years And with one eye...
You can see very well with one eye.
Yes, you're right. You don't see very well. But once you find the first half...
...the other half can't be far.
César, my nephew!
Crook! Lout!
I'm here!
Scoundrel.
It's me. Where are you?
Up here.
Up where?
Over here.
Ah! There he is.
I'm coming.
Hello, old creep.
Did you come out of your hole?
Do you need me?
I have a proposition for you.
Does it pay well?
A fortune: mine!
Do you think...
...I'm as stupid as your ass?
No, not that way.
Not this way. Keep going.
Listen to me.
César, the bandit, the villain, disappears.
He's forgotten. Paf! He's forgotten. Gone.
And you become Don César.
And I'll tell the whole court that you've come back from America.
And...
...you seduce the Queen.
Is it true what they say? Did you fall into disgrace with her?
You seduce the Queen.
I send an anonymous letter to the King.
He catches you both repudiates her...
...and puts me back into power.
And do you think you can find an idiot in Spain...
...who would be part...
...of this conspiracy?
An idiot! But I had one! And I was stupid enough to fire him.
Because you won't do it, will you?
Follow me.
Very good. Very good.
There he is, Monseigneur. What shall we do with him?
To Africa! To the Berbers!
Traitor, you're an even...
...bigger coward than I thought.
Sell him. I never want to hear about him again.
Go!
Death to Salluste!
Kill Salluste!
Long live the King! - Kill...
...Salluste!
Death to Salluste!
There, there.
Hey.
What's that? Well?
A lady like you...
...walking the streets of Madrid at this hour? That's not prudent.
Would it be more prudent like this, idiot?
Monseigneur! - Quiet!
You know why I'm here? - What?
Do you know why I'm here?
No.
Ever since you left me...
...I've been so sad.
The lady doesn't realise what she's saying, Monseigneur.
Yes, I do. I thought about you so much...
...since this morning.
Give me your hand. - No! - Give it.
Give me your hand.
What a future.
You're ugly, she's beautiful.
You're broke, she's very rich.
You're an idiot, so is she.
You're a servant,...
...she's the Queen.
It's written there.
She doesn't even know I exist.
What if I used a magic wand,...
...to make the differences disappear for a night?
What if I turned you...
...into Prince Charming?
Give me back your hand.
No.
Yes. - No!
You have a chance.
And I am your chance.
This way, Monseigneur.
On your knees for the King.
He likes people flat on the ground for him. When he arrives, crawl. - And the Queen?
Even flat on the ground, she'll recognise me.
Do you know how many servants like you there are...
...in this palace? - No.
800! So...
Let's start again.
So, I don't say "at the barber's" but "at the barber".
No, the other way around. You don't say "at the barber", but "at the barber's".
And you don't say "hello there"...
But "it's very happy here to meet you".
That's very good.
But your place is terrible.
How can you live in such a decrepit house?
This is where Monseigneur houses his personnel.
Ahh! It's nice.
It's very nice.
Are you content with it?
Well? - Yes.
Get undressed.
What's your name?
Don César, Count of Gafaro.
No, Garofa, Count of Garofa!
Who returned from America. GAROFA!
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, hop!
Hop! No!
You have no class at all.
And lie... Can you lie?
It's very useful at the court.
Tell me a big lie.
To see if I believe you or not.
A really big one. Go on.
Yesterday morning, I found 300,000 ducats in the...
...coat tails of Monseigneur. - What?
Where are they? - Under my mattress.
Thief! Thief! You robbed me.
No, Monseigneur, I lied to you.
Long live the King!
The King.
On the ground.
Put your hat on. You're a Spanish Grandee. Grandees cover themselves for the King.
Ok, let's go.
Excuse me.
Don't excuse yourself. The poor excuse themselves.
When you're rich, you're obnoxious.
Ok, let's go.
Una merveillosa!
This is what they call in Florence...
...una maquina infernale.
You're making fun of us, Giuseppe. This ridiculous firecracker...
...wouldn't hurt a fly.
But later I multiply the explosion by a thousand...
...and the King of Spain, poof!
Gentlemen.
In a moment, the King will be dead.
One for all,...
...all for themselves.
But... What... What's gotten into you?
I feel uncomfortable. Can't we come back tomorrow?
I'm returning my Fleece today. Not tomorrow.
And the Queen? Do you want to get to know her?
Yes, but...
Well then.
No!
I said no.
What if they ask what I saw in America? - Americans.
And with this...
You know who...
...will know who you are.
There.
The Infante.
Is that your fiancé, Monseigneur? My compliments.
Little witch.
And not very well raised either.
In order to be introduced to the Queen, I have to find somebody more popular.
A man who returns his Fleece... - Ungrateful!
I spent all night transforming a worm into a nobleman.
Ill-bred! Did you see that?
But where is he? Where did he go?
Where are you going? Where are you going?
Last night, I wasn't thinking.
I don't care. Stay here.
And I'm wondering why you do all this for me.
No. I'd better go.
I order you to stay.
No, Monseigneur. That's enough.
Bow, scrape, stand, sit, lie, salute like this, talk like that...
...I've had enough. - Shut up!
So, hello there, Marquis.
Oh you! You're...
Yes, Monseigneur! I'm ill-bred too.
Snap!
The King! The Queen!
The exit...
...is it there or there?
Honourable Grandees!
Ouch!
Gentlemen,...
...cover yourselves.
And my money. Did you forget? - You will be paid afterwards.
No! No money, no bomb. - Shut up!
Listen, Giuseppe,...
...this is a promissory note.
No!
The other half after the explosion.
Start the mechanism.
Careful, it will explode in exactly 4 minutes and 30 seconds.
At the moment of the explosion, be at least 20 metres away from the throne.
My God, the Queen!
Quick, quick, Monseigneur.
The throne? Where's the throne? - Over there.
Don Salluste,...
...Marquis of Montalégré.
Baron Del Pisco.
At the order of his Majesty...
...our beloved King...
You will retire in the monastery of Saint Ignacio...
...where you'll take a vow of chastity...
...and of poverty.
Oh no! Not poverty! Sire?
Sire, Don Salluste awaits...
...the wise decision of your Majesty.
Don Salluste!
You're no longer worthy to be in our company.
As the Queen informed you...
...we're stripping you of your title of Knight...
...of the Golden Fleece.
It's heavy.
Enough, Salluste.
Look out!
What?
Careful! It's going to explode!
Careful, Sire!
The cushion! The cushion!
No!
It's Salluste!
He wanted to kill the King.
Arrest him!
There he is.
It's not true. I was here.
I didn't move from here. - Liar.
Salluste!
No, Sire. For once, it wasn't me. I was here, praying.
Excuse me, your Majesty. It's not him, it's him. Look.
Give back that piece of paper.
Look, Sire, this is the proof.
Quickly!
Who are you, sir...
...who just saved our life?
Well, your Majesty, I'm...
I, I, I, I...
I'm...
A nephew of mine, Sire: Don César...
Count of Gafaro. - Garofa!
Count of Garofa.
Who returned from America...
Where I saw many Americans.
Don Salluste.
Yes, Sire?
You have 5 minutes to disappear to the Puerta del Sol forever.
He really hates me.
What did you say? - He hates me.
César!
That's you.
César, come here.
César, Von Garofa!
On your knees.
I hope you'll be more...
...worthy of it then your uncle.
Yes, Sire.
Congratulations.
To the Puerta del Sol!
You're little bomb, just now? It wasn't set very well.
It exploded way too early.
But my big bomb, my big bomb over there...
...will explode a lot later.
And when it will, it will make a huge scandal.
I don't understand.
Never mind. To the Berbers!
Paf!
Salluste, asshole!
I'll get you. - Enough, César.
You told us this story 50 times.
Where are you from?
From Madrid.
The King sold me for 500 dinars.
The treasury is empty again.
Salluste, asshole!
There are big changes going on there.
Salluste is no longer in power.
It's César now, his nephew.
César! Damn!
But I'm César.
César. - Sire?
How much is it going to be?
About 3 to 4 million ducats, Sire.
The "volontary" contribution of His Excellence, the Marquis Del Basto.
But, Sire, I don't understand. The Del Bastos...
...haven't paid taxes for 300 years.
Well, there's always a start for everything.
And by which right? - By divine right.
What are you going to do about it, my dear Del Basto?
Your Majesty.
And the next gentleman.
The rogue!
The rogue took 5 million from me.
I won't pay.
I will pay, gentlemen. But I'll have the last laugh.
César?
Yes, Sire?
Why are your boots always more shiny then mine?
Because I polish them myself, Sire.
Yourself?
Wait, I'll show you. It's very simple.
Give me your leg.
Excellencies: the Marquis of Priégo, the Duke of Los Montès, the Duke of Sandoval.
Allow me?
Excuse me, Sire, but it's the only way.
See? Every morning.
Every morning? - Yes, every morning.
Ok, give me your leg. - No.
Yes, come on. - Sire!
Sire, I can't agree.
The poor pay taxes, not the rich.
Exactly, that wasn't very fair. Was it, Sire?
That's why we changed everything.
There's a lot less gold on the scales than before. Don't you think, , César?
Yes, I think so too, Sire. Excuse me!
There's almost nothing.
Ok, jump.
Let me down. Let me down.
Come on, don't look like that.
Go, Brutus.
Your Majesty, I think...
Enough! My horse!
Come, I'll take you hunting.
Sire, the Queen!
She's waiting for you. - Oh the Queen, the Queen!
Just tell her I'll see her tomorrow.
I'm going to kill 6 wolves and then I'll be back.
Let's go!
Doña Isabella?
No!
Por aqui.
Por aya!
Your Majesty. Don César.
Was wollen sie?
Madam, the King won't be back until tomorrow.
He was called away for urgent matters of state.
You is a bad liar. Das ist sehr delikat.
Blindman's buff play with us...
...Don César?
Your Majesty.
A Queen of Spain does not play blindman's buff with a gentleman.
Wer sagt das?
Etiquette, Madam!
Für dieses mal vergessen wie die Etikette!
Blindfold the eyes of Etiquette.
What? But Madam... your Majesty, you really can't.
But really, your Majesty.
I'm here. Where are you?
Where are you, my little ones?
Por aqui, por aya!
Por aqui, Doña Juana!
Yo te tengo!
Si, si, si!
Un poquito mas, por favor!
Por aqui!
Ole!
Who did that?
Who dared?
I was pushed.
Who pushed me?
Ah, I'm drinking water.
I'm choking.
Madam!
Achtung!
Doña Juana!
No, no. Don't worry. I drowned her.
The little brats. They'll pay for this.
I need to talk to your Majesty.
Das ist streng verboten.
Chhh... Chhh...
What I'm doing is verboten.
To deceive you. To make you think I'm somebody I'm not.
To accept favours from the King while I...
Was sagen Sie? Ich verstehe nicht.
Here it is. My name is not César. My name is Blaze.
I'm not the nephew of Salluste. I'm his servant.
Ach... Valais!
You're Swiss!
And why Swiss? Which Swiss?
Katastrophe! Die Alte!
Madam.
I don't know how... - Don César!
Ah Madam, I have to tell you. I love you!
You're so beautiful, so radiant, so glorious.
Yes, yes, yes. I have longed for you for months.
You're not doing it on purpose.
You're so elegant with your precious eyes.
Your little feet.
Know you know everything.
And if you now want me to leave, I'll go.
But you crying, Madam.
Yes...
Don César!
There you are. - Shhh!
My dear baron.
I wanted to talk to you...
...about my taxes.
You must understand that it's very hard for me to meet the requirements...
César.
I'll be yours, body and soul. Whenever you want.
Here's my hand.
Why are you sighing, César?
I love you too.
Not so fast.
Little animal.
Monseigneur, what if they recognise you?
6 months in exile. Everybody has forgotten about me.
Wait for me down by the city wall. I'll join the procession.
Blaze will definitely be there. Go!
Hey, Blaze! Is that you?
No.
Hey, César! Is that you?
No, it's not him.
Guess why the minister isn't here?
He's with the King, as always.
You know what he made him do?
Yet another law.
Now, when you kill a servant, you have to declare it.
Blaze!
César! - César! There's no doubt about it.
We must attack him in the back.
A conspiracy against Blaze? They're going to ruin it for me.
I never thought we'd miss Salluste that old bastard.
At least, he only stole from the poor.
The safest way is poison.
Tomorrow is his birthday. It's now or never.
We'll make him eat a big poisonous cake.
Idiot.
But it wasn't me.
Del Basto! Sandoval!
Well? What time tomorrow?
3 o'clock at my place. At 4, everything will be over.
Priégo!
Los Montès!
What? Paf!
That, hop!
Another conspiracy. This time, they want to kill Blaze.
I absolutely have to prevent that or my plan will not work out.
The mute. The mute.
The mute.
And he's deaf too.
I'm listening.
You're talking too fast.
Repeat.
Don't shout like that. I'm not deaf.
But I don't hear anything. What's he saying?
Stay out of the conversation.
And you, continue.
Reforms.
He's introducing reforms.
That's why they want to make him eat the big cake.
No... Not to make him gain weight, idiot. To poison him.
I have to stop him from eating it at any price.
But why? Because, you idiot...
...because if they kill my poor little Blaze tomorrow, I can't make the King...
...catch them in the Queen's bed.
My servant cheating on the King, that will be my revenge.
For you, César, my best bull.
Look! Look how fierce he is.
I put him under your name.
Priégo, 3 months ago, I took your gold. Now you're offering me your best bull.
What does it mean?
It means, hombre, that I don't have any hard feelings.
Come with me. There are more suprises waiting for you.
Cyanide.
I caught you red-handed.
Animal! Oaf!
Rascal!
Wait a moment. Come with me.
I'm taking you to Don Marquis de Priégo. - No. Not the Marquis.
He'll have you flogged. The guests will have fun.
No, listen, listen, listen, your cream...
...isn't sweet, it's salty.
Salty? - It's salty.
It's sweet.
It's salty. Yumm, yumm, yumm.
Go on, more.
The Marquis!
A lackey?
What are you doing, Monseigneur? - Hide me and dance! Quickly.
You have some guts. To bother me among MY friends...
...on MY birthday.
Enjoy your birthday. It's your last one. - What?
Your birthday cake has been poisoned.
Eat as little of it as you can and gain some time. I'll look after the rest.
They're trying to kill me? Who? - Your friends.
César!
There they are. Tell me off.
Ok, César, are you coming?
Take that, villain! And that, scoundrel.
Not so hard. - Take that.
Ouch!
Enough!
César, come and cut your cake.
With pleasure. I'm very touched.
Between friends, this is a delicate matter.
If there were less flies, it would be perfect.
It's true. It has to do with the weather.
I need to gain some time... Ok, never mind.
There are not that many... No, but look.
See how many flies there are?
Look, oh, look. Don't move.
Don't move.
Look!
There it is.
It wants to taste my cake. See?
She's dead.
How strange. - What are you waiting for?
Cut your cake and eat it.
For such a fine cake...
...we need a fine knife.
Enjoy, gentlemen.
Treason.
Leave him to me.
Salluste!
Quickly. Over here.
There!
Silence. - Death to him!
Gentlemen, I offer you an execution. And not of the bull.
Hey!
Ole!
Gentlemen, our turn.
Quickly!
Hurry! Hurry!
Thank you, Monseigneur, you saved me.
You are...
You are... erm...
You're my prisoner, come on. - But, Monseigneur...
What's gotten into you? Let go of me.
Dump him in there.
Monseigneur, how can you?
Shh!
Shhhh! Enough.
Enough now.
That's enough now, ok?
Look there.
The Queen's there...
Come on, cooperate or I'll pull out a feather.
The Queen's up there.
Window with balcony.
Look up there. Very good.
Now repeat after me one last... Are you listening?
Repeat one last time. Go on, talk.
Tatatatalk! Go on! Go on!
Shit! - Rude creature.
Considering what I paid you... Don't repeat that.
Talk! Tttttt! Talk!
Ok, now repeat after me.
César sent me. Come on.
César sent me.
Very good. Perfect. And what do you say next?
Yo te quiero.
Not in Spanish, in German. She's German.
Ich liebe dich.
Ich li...
Ich liebe dich, go on!
Hop!
Here!
No, not that window.
What's it doing with the old woman? What's it telling her?
César sent me.
César!
And what else? Tomorrow evening?
In the Cabeza Negra inn?
He'll wait for you. - He'll wait?
Jawohl, mein Lieber!
What's that noise? It's so loud.
You made a mistake. Come here.
The Queen is there, up there. Go on.
Ist da jemand im Garten?
Ach! Was für ein schöner Papagei!
Speak! Tell her.
Ich liebe dich.
Wirklich?
Ich bin sent by Don Césarrr!
Don César, are you zere?
Yo te quiero.
Stupid animal. Wait until I get my hands on you.
Was für eine gute Idee!
Das ist ganz romantisch!
Don César, are you valling?
Nein, mein liebe, ich bin konfortabel!
Kommen Sie see mich... me...
Tomorrow evening, The Cabeza Negra inn.
Ein rendezvous. Das ist eine grosse folly.
Nein! Little folly!
Can I count on you?
Count?
Count: Ein, zwei, drei.
Ya, I'll be zere.
Ach, she'll be zere!
Gute Nacht, Don César.
Auf Wiedersehen!
An anonymous letter for the King.
Sire, you're too strong for me.
An anonymous letter for the King.
An anonymous letter?
Sire, your Majesty's a cuckold.
What? Me?
Yes, you. The Queen's cheating on you.
With who? With Don César.
The traitor.
The Queen's going to meet him this evening...
...in the Cabeza Negra inn...
...and in a moment, she'll come in and tell you...
Your Majesty.
Your Majesty, meine papa ill.
Going to Bavaria, can I? Bitte?
And when do you want to leave?
Tonight.
The sooner I leave, the sooner I'll be back.
Go, Madam.
And know that my thoughts will follow your every step.
Danke, mein geliebter König.
I don't understand it anymore.
You will understand.
Listen to me: you save me, you kidnap me, you tie me up...
...and you save me. Why?
Mmm? Well?
Be careful.
What are you cooking up? Old bastard.
I'll tell you.
So I clean up my pawn.
I'm cleaning my pawn..
Ok!
Look.
Remember that?
Oh no, no! Yes! Yes! Oh yes!
It hurts. Doesn't it hurt?
I put perfume on my pawn.
There!
I'm pampering my pawn.
I'm making it beautiful. Irresistible.
Not happy?
Ok, finished. There. How beautiful. Madam, look how beautiful he is.
That's 3 times.
In 40 years, never. Today, 3 times.
Me, a Grandee, kicked in the butt...
...by a lackey.
A commoner's butt is as good as the butt of a Grandee.
But tell me...
But your head... it's enormous.
I'm going to have you arrested. You're no longer minister.
I'm gagging my pawn...
Ho ho! Ho ho! Mmh! Mmh!
And I'm calming my pawn.
Careful...
And finished.
Mute! One-eyed man!
Yes, Monseigneur? - Still nobody? - No.
Open your eyes, you.
And you: hop!
Speak.
A mute! That's just my luck.
Ouch!
Don't look. There's nobody.
Go on, go on.
Malaga.
Don't worry. You're going to sleep well.
And later, in that bed, when you wake up...
...there will be a surprise.
Don't move.
I have to make myself beautiful too. I'll be back in 5 minutes.
But who are you?
Don César.
The real one.
There's somebody.
Mi amor!
Mi tesoro!
Mi hombre!
Mommy!
The parrot told me everything.
Oh yes? But be still, there's somebody under the bed who can hear you.
Ah, this room, this love nest, the flowers, the dinner.
Oh, bite me again, little animal.
What if we drank...
...something first?
Big fool!
Are you trying to get me drunk?
You first. - After you, Juanita. Mi corazon!
Monseigneur!
What is it?
What's happening?
The mute has been attacked.
Blaze! It must be him.
The old woman!
What's she doing there?
But who is she? - The dueña.
But where's the Queen? And Blaze, where is he?
He got away. - He can't be far.
Ok, listen. Go find him.
I need him in this bed right away. Go!
You this way, me that way.
Let go of me. Come here.
You're strong.
Love me.
No, I don't, come on.
What is that?
Go to sleep.
Who is it?
Ich bin es, Don César.
Ein Moment, bitte!
Kommen Sie, mein Liebling.
It's done, Monseigneur!
Shht!
I found him. - Where is he?
I knocked him out and put him back in the bed, like you said.
Bravo! Help me.
Ah! César, my nephew.
But you made a mistake, idiot.
But he's your nephew.
I sent him to the Berbers. I got money from them. I spent it all. All gone.
Where did you find him?
There, in the hall.
He escaped. I'm going crazy.
Let's put him near the old woman.
Your Majesty, my Queen, mein Liebling.
You must wake up. Wake up. Wake up quickly.
One!
Two!
Your Majesty, your Majesty. - Ich liebe dich, César.
You don't understand He wants us to be caught.
Küssen sie mich! - What "Küssen sie mich"? Ah yes, kiss.
Yes, your Majesty, I'd like to. but this is not the moment...
I need Blaze. But where is he?
There he is. You said he wasn't there.
I don't understand.
There. Look.
She like this and he like that.
César, I love you.
On the ground.
César! César!
Come!
Your Majesty!
Search the house and bring everybody to me.
Come on, hurry.
Salluste!
What are you doing here?
Where's the Queen?
Did his Majesty receive my anonymous letter?
Where's the Queen?
Upstairs, Sire. Let me show you.
Hurry.
Careful.
So we agree, don't we? I did you a very big favour.
You repudiate the Queen and give me back my titles, my money, my Fleece.
Here we are.
Sire, you here?
Wake up, Juanita, my little angel. The King is here.
Oh, Sire!
Doña Juana, have you no shame?
Oh no, Sire!
And you?
Where's the Queen? - The Queen, here?
She left for Bavaria, Sire. because of her father...
...who's ill.
That's why Doña Juana and I...
We used the opportunity.
Tell me, Salluste.
That's enough. You're in the room of a young girl.
Sire!
I'm no longer a young girl.
Marry us. - No. Oh! Oh!
I mean... I'll explain, Sire.
Let's wait and see.
There's nobody else. We searched everything. We only found these two.
Who are these two men?
Salluste!
Where is he?
Giddyup.
César.
Küssen Sie mich!
What did she say?
Kiss her, idiot.
Salluste!
Where are you going?
Nowhere, Sire.
I was looking for you, your Majesty.
Well, Salluste?
Am I a cuckold?
Wait!
Look who's coming.
Look who's there.
The Grandees.
I have the trendiest penal colony in the whole Sahara.
Anyway, we're not going to hang around here long.
I have a little plan to escape. We're going back to Madrid.
We'll work together.
The King repudiates the Queen. The old woman marries the parrot.
César becomes King. I marry him...
...and then I'll be Queen.
Listen, Salluste, isn't your head becoming...
...very big sometimes? Do you know what I mean?
But what are you doing here then, my dear César?
His name is not César. It's Blaze.
The King said to me: "You can choose. Either you marry Doña Juana...
...or you go to the Berbers.
And?
And the Berbers it was.
Yoho!
César!
Oh no!
The old woman!
César! César!
I'm here! It's me!
Oh no!
Oh no, help!
Help!
César, wait for me, my love.